Today we’ll be looking at surrogacy pros and cons. When Kevin and I first met (and I’m not admitting the year!), we never thought we’d see the day when kids would be in the cards. This was well before marriage equality. And basically the only gay guys we knew with kids were from previous marriages before coming out of the closet.
Flash forward to present day, and we can’t even begin to tell you how many same sex couples we know with kids, or have at least talked about it. We considered all the options but ultimately decided on surrogacy. It didn’t take long to realize there was an overwhelming amount of information to cull through. But my husband Kevin — being the list maker that he is — broke it down, especially for those who hate details (umm, guilty as charged).
In this post, we’ll share 3 simple steps on how to approach surrogacy for gay dads as well as surrogacy pros and cons. Soon you’ll see, it isn’t nearly as complicated as you’d think.
Step #1: Surrogacy for Gay Dads: Pick A Fertility Clinic
We will concentrate on step #1 in this blog post — the ever-important fertility clinic. For any wannabe gay dads, this is where you’ll need to start. Why? Well, as Kevin likes to put it, you need to make sure your “stuff is up to snuff.” In other words, this is the step of the process where you’ll check that your sperm is normal. Or if not, that you work on a plan to get them there. But this isn’t the only reason to do your homework on a top-notch fertility clinic. It is vital to find a highly-experienced doctor with a high success rate in creating babies for LGBT couples and knows the ins and outs of surrogacy for gay dads.
HRC Pasadena was one of two clinics that came highly recommended by gay couples we know. We worked with Dr. Kolb and his team who were always on top of everything. My partner also dug deep into stats — since HRC Pasadena and Dr. Kolb have one of the highest success rates for gay couples having babies.
One interesting thing we noticed as soon as we walked inside HRC Pasadena is their hold on the Chinese market. This is one of the top clinics for Chinese parents struggling to have babies. In fact, many times we were pretty much the only non-Asian couple in the waiting room. But it really showed us the dedication of some couples to have kids — traveling halfway around the world to Pasadena. I guess I can’t complain TOO much about my drive from West Hollywood (um, I did).
The other clinic that was recommended to us was California Fertility Partners in Los Angeles. They also are well known within the LGBT community — in fact, most of our gay friends having kids used this clinic. They’ve been around for over two decades and know the intricacies involved with surrogacy for gay dads. The on-site lab is also state-of-the art, and you can ask to take a peek inside on your consultation.
When it comes down to picking the fertility clinic, it’s really a personal choice for you and your partner. I don’t think we could have gone wrong with either clinic. But the main reason we went with HRC Pasadena was the streamlined process — having one rep assigned to us. As you’ll soon discover, there are a lot of people involved in the baby making process.
Step #2: Find an Egg Donor
We’ll briefly touch on step #2 in this post. Now that you have your fertility clinic, it’s time to find some eggs. Truth be told, this part initially felt a little strange to me as I went through egg donor profiles. It felt like I was on a dating app! Sexual history, hobbies, favorite foods. It’s all there!
There are several ways to approach the egg donor process. However, Kevin very strategically decided that we should not commit ourselves to any agency until we found a right match. Several egg donor agencies require you to commit with them upfront. But you limit yourself to just that one agency.
We ended up finding our egg donor with A Perfect Match. They were very easy to work with — and we felt their online database was straightforward, allowing you to sort egg donors by the attributes you’re looking for. Lastly, this is the part of the process you need to have an honest conversation with your partner on what matters most. For us, it was finding a donor who looked similar to us and was healthy. If you’re looking for a Nobel Prize winner or valedictorian from Harvard, you’ll be paying for those eggs! In general, the typical egg donor payment came in around $8,000-$12,000.
Want to learn more about step #2? Read our blog post with tips for gay dads on selecting an egg donor — when it feels like Tinder for eggs!
Step #3: Select A Surrogate, Surrogacy for Gay Dads
You made it to step #3 on surrogacy for gay dads. Now that you have the fertility doc and your eggs on ice, it’s time to work with a surrogacy agency. A Perfect Match also offers this service (if you want to further streamline the process). But again, we recommend not committing to one agency up front so you can “shop around” (i.e. have a chance to work multiple databases at once). I will write a more in-depth post on this subject later, but will break down what mattered the most to us. Every couple is different but we had 3 main criteria for selecting our donor:
- Proximity: This was priority #1 for us. We wanted our surrogate to be near the fertility clinic so we could join for those appointments. This also helps cut down on costs since you won’t have to travel to her (and vice versa). Finally, we wanted our surrogate close to ensure she had the best hospital possible when having the baby.
- A “mom’s mom”: Basically, this is what Kevin and I would say broadly when talking about someone with a support system. It’s someone with either an office job or a stay at home mom. The last thing we wanted to do was make our donor carry our twins and be on her feet all day!
- A healthy mom, who’s had babies before: While we ended up going with a first time surrogate, we wanted someone who knows what’s coming. Our surrogate has given birth to two healthy boys. And we wanted someone familiar with being pregnant.
Want to get more tips on finding a surrogate? And saving some money? I mean, who doesn’t want to save money? Check out our separate post where we go into further depth on step #3 — selecting the surrogate. Then you’ll want to read our feature on the hidden costs of surrogacy. This is something that no agency will truly show you.
But What About The Con’s of Surrogacy?
Obviously, cost is a big factor. The entire surrogacy process can easily come in around $120,000 to $200,000+. Sure, there are cheaper options available overseas. But between changing international laws as well as COVID, international surrogacy can get complicated. If you work, you’ll also likely have to arrange some time to take an international trip. It’s not like you can get your baby via Amazon!
Another con of surrogacy is the idea of adoption as a viable option. We considered adoption as well as foster to adopt. However, there are some cons involved with that as well. It still can be expensive. Plus, we’ve known some parents who’ve gone through the foster process to only lose the child in the end (if the parent comes back into the picture). The more important thing is to be honest with yourselves — and ask the tough questions of whether you can handle this scenario.
Surrogacy Pros and Cons: Wrapping Up Step #1
There you have it! Obviously, this is a quick and dirty rundown of the baby making process. But we wanted this post to be mostly broad strokes on surrogacy for gay dads. And completely digestible even for those who hate the details. Looking for more information on the surrogacy process? Check out all our tips and recommendations in our parenting resources section here.
